“Wellness” is supposed to make me feel better. Lately, it’s making me feel worse.
Every social media scroll or podcast listen serves up another must-have product promising to transform my skin, body, or lifespan. Name a concern, and there’s a product (or five thousand) claiming to solve it.
The worst part? I didn’t even know I was supposed to be worried about half of this stuff. But when you’re inundated daily with things to fix, prevent, or maintain, a few are bound to stick. And suddenly, you’re budgeting for a gut test instead of a vacation.
It’s not just expensive; it’s also a time suck. These wellness rituals feel like a full-time job, so unless I’m quitting my actual one, fitting them in is a struggle.
And don’t get me started on our society’s obsession with anti-aging. This doesn’t apply to men, of course—just us lucky ladies. We’re expected to do everything in our power to pretend our bodies and faces aren’t changing with time, while men are praised for their salt-and-pepper hair and “dad bods.” We need the brains, wallets, and life experience of older women, but we’re expected to look like newborns. Skincare for your knees. Hand lifts (yes, that’s a thing now). It never ends.
I am grateful to age—but I’m also terrified. I used to joke about getting a facelift in my sixties. Now, at 33, I feel like I’m already behind on “preventative” procedures. Instead of living fully, I’m fixated on what I might look like later. How messed up is that?
Anyway, let’s break down some of the wellness trends clogging my feed—and brain—lately.
- Skincare overload
Microneedling, hydrafacials, exosomes, lasers, slugging, skin cycling, snail mucin. We’ll be here all day if I get into all of these. Every night I resist a $300 serum promising eternal youth. Meanwhile, my newfound adult acne and looming wrinkles are in a fierce competition—and my bank account is losing.
- Gut healing
Apparently, my gut is in crisis. News to me! Enter: stool tests, supplement stacks, and fermented foods. I even bought TikTok-famous Coconut Cult yogurt (delicious) and a bag of horrifying red sauerkraut (gag-worthy), but have they changed my gut? The jury’s out.
- Functional medicine
This is basically holistic medicine rebranded with a more palatable name. I’m all for testing for deficiencies or hormone issues (the “heal your hormones” saga deserves its own manifesto), but $500+ every six months? Hard pass. If insurance covered it, I’d be first in line. Same goes for whole-body scans like Prenuvo—amazing in theory, unattainable in reality.
- Lymphatic drainage
If I see one more tiny waist being kneaded like sourdough, I’m going to scream. Fans claim it’s a game changer for digestion, circulation, bloating, etc. Some suggest more affordable tools you can use for at-home lymphatic drainage, including dry brushing, but honestly, if I’m going to do it I want the professionals kneading the *literal* shit out of my stomach. And yup—there’s facial lymphatic drainage, too.
- Mouth taping
As I mentioned recently, I’ve fallen victim to the mouth taping trend. Yeah, I’m literally taping my mouth shut before I go to sleep. Unhinged? Slightly. Helpful? Weirdly, yes. I know correlation doesn’t equal causation, but on nights I mouth tape, my watch’s sleep score tends to be higher. Plus, I don’t wake up with a dry mouth or a jaw that feels like it’s been grinding. Necessary, though? Definitely not.
- Face taping + Botox
Face taping is supposed to prevent wrinkles by holding your face in place while you sleep. Some people swear by Japanese tape, others use kinesiology tape. Most dermatologists say it’s nonsense, but they also offer Botox, so…grain of salt.
Meanwhile: think you can tell who’s had Botox? Triple that number. It’s been rebranded as “preventative,” and people are starting younger and younger. There’s some division (are you sensing a theme here?) on whether preventative Botox is actually helpful or if it’s just a money grab. But since everyone in my orbit is getting it, I feel like I have to or I’ll look like a gremlin amidst porcelain dolls. *Cue the viral “Oh, how I love being a woman” sound.*
- Red light therapy
Do I need a $1500 red light mask for my face? My feed says yes. I know you’ve seen your favorite influencers posting sci-fi-esque selfies in theirs. But are the purported benefits (anti-aging, acne clearing, mental health boosts, etc.) proven? Based on my research, the short answer is no. It’s all anecdotal at this point. I’m willing to try it, though—right after 47 more paychecks.
- Contrast therapy (sauna + cold plunge)
Ok fine, this one’s got me in a chokehold. I’ve half joked about wanting a sauna and cold plunge in my future home. I’m not sold enough to pay an exorbitant amount to go regularly, but I do love it as an occasional treat. The sauna chills me out, and the cold plunge makes me feel like a badass who can take on the world. Endorphins, baby.
- Parasite cleanses
Parasite cleanses are having a moment. Allegedly, we’re all infested with worms, and must detox with tinctures and strict diets multiple times per year. We’re talking about allegations of “four-foot worms” and “liver flukes” coming out of people. For now, I’m just going to let my parasites do their thing where I can’t see ‘em.
- Protein + supplements
Everyone’s obsessed with protein again. I do my best—cottage cheese here, a shake there—but I’m not about to bring egg whites in a Ziploc to a barbecue like I once did in the height of my macro-counting phase (eeek). Add in collagen, colostrum, creatine, greens powders…sure, I could blend it all into a superhuman cocktail, but it’d be $300. I’d like proof before I sell my soul to the supplement gods or the bank.
- Workouts
Even working out—which is proven to benefit everyone—has been dragged into the wellness war: it’s the pilates princesses vs. muscle mommies. Yup, those are real terms. Just when you feel good about hitting the gym, the internet tells you you’re doing it wrong. Love that for us!
Honorable mentions: vibrational plates, colonics, castor oil packs, cortisol face, armpit detoxing and the endocrine disruptor panic.
All this on top of 10,000 steps, mental health, regular exercise, relationships, a career, joy, hydration, and maybe even kids. Simple, right?
At the end of the day, “wellness” shouldn’t be a full-time job or a financial trap. It should be about feeling good—in your body, your mind, and your life.
If some of these genuinely help you? Amazing. But if they just make you feel like you’re constantly falling short? It’s not you. It’s the industry.
Personally, I’ll keep my mouth tape, skip the parasite cleanse, and keep reminding myself that getting older is a privilege—not a problem to solve.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to rot on the couch and call it “nervous system regulation.”
Colorfully yours,
Haley
