Dating Duds: Five Guys I’ve Met Online

Much to our elders’ confusion and dismay, online dating has become the go-to way for our generation to connect with potential partners. The way I see it, our peers are divided into two groups: those that use apps or websites to date, and those that pretend not to use apps or websites to date. From Bumble and Hinge to OkCupid and Tinder (*shudder*) there is at least one method for everyone.

While it’s definitely a strange time, and certainly less romantic than meeting at the drive-in, online dating does have a way of weeding out the people that aren’t a match. In the spirit of post-Valentine’s Day, I figured I would share five of my most memorable dating duds. Keep in mind that these are guys that I spoke to for quite a bit – the random, strange messages that have gone unanswered by me could fill a separate blog post of their own.

1) The Frat Bro

Every time I asked what he was up to, he was “so hungover,” “struggling,” “recovering,” or some variation of those. Hey, I get it, you like to have a good time. We’re still young – you’re allowed to go out and drink like you’re still in college once in a while. But if the only thing you ever want to talk about is your weekend binge – and I don’t mean Netflix binge – then I don’t really think you’re ready to date yet. At least, not ready to date this grandma. My advice? Stumble upon the nearest high school party and you’ll definitely find a girl that still thinks throwing up all weekend is cool.

2) The Follower

I’ve actually had a few of these, in one form or the other. They find any and all forms of social media and follow you on each one. They start sending Snapchats and liking your photos pretty early in the game. I mean, social media is literally my job, so I respect it in some ways. Here’s the part I don’t get, though: they fall off the face of the planet mere days after the follow spree… and now you’re awkwardly following a virtual stranger. One of them in particular still watches every single one of my snap stories, and we haven’t spoken since last summer. Trust me when I say my stories are not that interesting.

3) The Host

This one seemed so promising. He understood my dry sense of humor right off the bat, which is hard enough IRL, let alone via text message. He was talkative, wanted to know more about me, and made me laugh. Then he asked me to meet up with him at his neighborhood bar one Friday night at, like, 10pm. Sorry, but this girl can see right through that. The next evening, we were planning on meeting for drinks. He suggested I venture to his apartment in the city to “have drinks” there. When I declined (I’ve seen my fair share of Lifetime movies, pal) he suddenly had other plans and was never to be heard from again. My first rule of dating is meeting on neutral territory. His couch is never going to lead anywhere good.

4) The Haunt

My friend knew this one from school, and she warned me that he might be a little bit…off. But I’m a little off too, aren’t I? So I gave it a shot. After two messages were exchanged, I could tell he just wasn’t the guy for me. I thought I made my intentions pretty obvious with my last reply, but I guess not. He still messages me weird things every few weeks. I hate when people don’t reply to me, so at first I felt bad ignoring him. But by the third unanswered knock-knock joke, you’d think homeboy would get the message.

5) The Cavity

This one pains me to tell. He was so sweet… sickeningly sweet, honestly. Hence the name I’ve given him here. I know it’s so annoying to hear a girl say “ugh, he’s just too nice” when she complains about there being no nice guys left on the planet. Guilty as charged. But there was just no “spark.” How can there be when all someone does is agree with whatever you have to say? We went on a couple of dates and I didn’t leave either one having any complaints or anything to pinpoint as to why I wasn’t feeling it. You just can’t help your feelings, right? Being one of the most guilt-ridden people on the face of the earth, I was super stressed out about telling him how I felt. My family assured me that nobody could possibly be crushed after meeting someone twice, and to just keep it brief. So I listened. Guess what? He was crushed. He sent me this string of wildly emotional texts as I walked around Marshall’s – retail therapy, duh. He promptly blocked me on social media, too. I was pretty awful until my friend Elizabeth told me that one of her fears is that I’ll marry someone just because I feel bad. It didn’t sound that far fetched, which is when I realized I needed to (wo)man up. Consider that cavity filled.

By this point, I’m sure you’re thinking, “Wow, I didn’t realize Haley was so mean!” It all does sound much more cutthroat in writing than it did in my head. However, there’s a huge difference between being a bitch and being picky. Luckily, we’re far removed from the days when my family’s social status would depend on my being married along with the transfer of goats or some other dowry. In other words, there’s no better time to be choosy.

Keep your standards high, ladies (and gents!) Life’s too short to settle for a guy that can’t hold his liquor.

Colorfully Yours,

Haley