Yesterday marked 19 years since my type 1 diabetes diagnosis. This morning, as I wait for my pre-bolus to kick in so I can eat breakfast, I’m putting some words on paper (ok, in my Notes app) and finding myself writing to the Haley I was then.
Dear 15-year-old Haley,
I know you’re terrified. Devastated. Everything you know has just been upended by your diagnosis. Your doctors claim you’ll get used to it, but right now that feels unlikely. I wish you had someone in the same boat to talk to, but instead, I’ll give you some big sisterly real talk.
The bad news: It doesn’t get easier.
The good news: You get better at managing it all.
I understand why, after meeting with your endocrinologist for four hours straight and getting inundated with information, your first instinct would be to question whether there’s any point anymore.
Spoiler alert, my love. You’ll still build an incredibly full life. One you would find SO freaking cool. Seriously.
You’ll go to a great college a plane ride away, which will give you the confidence to take even more risks. You’ll have to plan more than most freshmen, but you can handle it. You’ll study abroad in another country. You’ll work some really cool jobs at brands you love. You’ll live—solo, no less—in the best city in the world. You’ll travel far and wide to epic places.
I know you feel alone right now, like no one could possibly understand. Just know this: your parents will be right alongside you, supporting you however they can. You’ll meet incredible friends who, while they may not fully “get it,” care enough to try. You’ll get engaged to a man who sees everything it takes to manage this disease and makes you feel like you don’t have to carry it all by yourself.
If this is sounding too good to be true, hold up. I won’t sugarcoat this: every single day will still be hard. You’ll have to worry about diabetes amid high school drama, at every college party, during important job interviews, and on awkward first dates. You’ll have to deal with it even when you’re hungover, heartbroken, or overwhelmed.
As you plan your wedding, you’ll have to think about who will keep an eye on your blood sugar since you won’t be glued to your phone. You’ll think months ahead about where to put your insulin pump so it doesn’t distract from your dress. You’ll write yourself a reminder to bring all of your diabetes supplies to the venue.
Even on your 19th diaversary, you’ll have wild blood sugar swings despite your best efforts. You’ll do crazy calculations in an attempt to balance your insulin and carbs. And yes, you’ll get frustrated as hell along the way.
But you’ll also go to the gym with the love of your life, crush an intense workout—100 pounds on the trap bar, go off queen—down a Juicy Juice halfway through (yup, you still use those for lows), and head home smiling as a nor’easter soaks you through.
You’ll have dim sum for dinner, trying a complicated dosing strategy to avoid a high, and…it won’t work. Sorry to tell you, but you still haven’t figured out how to bolus for Chinese food. But you’ll say, “It was worth it.”
In fact, you’ll find yourself saying that about so much more than dinner.
Almost two decades after that nightmare day, I can promise you this:
This life is worth it.
Love,
34-year-old Haley
